Warning: this is a long one.
I don't even know where to begin. My life has made a drastic turn in a direction I never thought it would...or at least for another 45+ years or so. Last Sunday I was hospitalized. I was admitted because my neck was swollen, and because my regular doctor wanted me to get in quicker so I could get my biopsy done. While everyone else in this world is dating, getting engaged, getting married, having babies, moving, career changes, school, what have you, my life has come to a complete stop. My siblings were right all along; the world doesn't revolve around me.
Sunday sucked, okay really the whole week sucked. The only note-worthy thing was I was hooked up to an IV so I wouldn't get dehydrated. All of you should know by now that I am terrified of needles, and this whole hospital experience hasn't helped, I am still terrified.
Monday. The lovely nurses came and woke me up at 5 AM to draw blood. Then again at 7:30 for me to drink this nasty contrast stuff for my CT scans later in the day. The contrast stuff was HORRIBLE. It had the consistency of milk, but tasted like orange, and it was warm. At about 11ish I had my first CT scan of the day. It was for my neck, chest, and abdomen. When I got back to my room I threw up the nasty contrast crap. Good thing I didn't do that before because I would have had to drink it again. Then I got to wait around for a long time, still fasting, for my 2nd CT scan. About 2 o'clock I was sent for my CT scan biopsy. The doctors drugged me up pretty good -- I don't remember much. All I remember is being lead into the machine, them prepping my chest, and then I was OUT. I woke up in my room and had to lay flat for 4 hours.
Tuesday. Again, woken up at 5 AM for the blood draw. I was waiting for the results from the biopsy. I thought that was all I was going to have to do. No more tests...I was free. Not. The CT scan showed that I had a blood clot in my neck. The softball sized tumor in my chest was pushing on a vein that lead to my neck which was pinching it. Lovely. That meant I needed to start blood thinners. Which if you didn't know, make you bruise really easily. Right now I look like my 80 something grandmother. My oncologist came in and told me the news. I have non-hodgkin's lymphoma, stage 1, but that doesn't mean very much because of the size of the tumor. Its HUGE. They put me on steroids that day to attempt to shrink the size. More fun news..."you have to have a PICC line". Wonderful. This really nice lady named Mary came in and did my PICC line. We were laughing and having a good ol' time, and before I knew it she was done. Then the oncologist came in AGAIN and said "we need to do a bone marrow biopsy to make sure the cancer isn't in your bone marrow. We are going to do that now." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? NOW!? No warning. They kicked everyone out of my room again and did the most painful test I've ever had. I was bawling like a baby. The worst part was when he got the bone sample. I could feel him cranking and grinding to get the sample. PAINFUL. On top of all this news and procedures, I was told the next day I would start my chemo. After calling all of my siblings, Kelly decided that she needed to come. She got the next flight out and came that night. Oh, and they changed my room that night too. I got an ocean front suite pretty much. It was huge. Equipped with my lovely hospital bed, a fold out couch (which Kelly slept on), a closet, table, and lots of chairs.
Wednesday. All I remember was starting my chemo that night. The chemo is called CHOPR14. Translation: CHOP makes me lose my hair. R= Not too bad, and the easiest part of the whole regime. And 14 means every 14 days...if I can handle it. So they put this stuff in my body at 11pm. They gave me "pre-meds" such as an anxiety IV, anti-nausea, and I don't remember what else. After the anxiety IV, I was OUT.
Thursday. Not a good day. I felt like poop when I woke up and they gave me some more anti-nausea medication. 3 kinds to be exact. The last one really did me under. I had a horrible allergic reaction to it and I pretty much blocked that out of my memory. Seriously. Not good. All I remember is my Mom and Kelly just staring at me and wanting to do something for me, but couldn't. They just had to stand there and watch me suffer. It was terrible. I couldn't sit still, I wanted to get up and move but couldn't because I was so tired and felt like I was going to fall over. I believe I slept majority of that day. I can't even tell you how many drugs they gave me that day. I had 3x the amount of steroids I was suppose to. Then again, at 11pm I started the R part of my chemo.
Friday. I woke up all swollen in my face, due to the steroids the day before. I was uncomfortable all day long. I was suppose to be able to go home that day. But when one of the doctors came to check on me, he said heck no. My face was all fat and red=not pretty. I was a complete brat that day too. I call it my "roid rage". I don't remember anything else.
Saturday. I could finally go home! Of course, I took a hospital bed with me. I shouldn't be sleeping flat because of the blood clot. Also, I got my PICC line out of my arm, which means I will have to get another one soon before the next round of chemo.
Some other things but don't know where they fit in. On top of the blood thinner pills, I had to have shots called Lupon or Lupron...whatever. They stuck me right in the fat of my stomach. And guess who had to learn to give them to me? My Dad. Because I refused to give them to myself. Surprisingly enough, he was better than the nurses who gave them to me. Shocking, I know. The earthquake. WOW. I was on the 8th floor of the hospital. I had 3 of my friends there; Mallory, Cynthia, and Lauren. All of a sudden we felt the ground shake, then next thing we knew we were swaying from side to side. When it was all over with we took a walk around the floor so I could go look out the window to see if a tidal wave was coming, seriously. Those things scare the crap out of me. The laps around the floor. Like I said, I was on the 8th floor, the oncology floor. I wasn't allowed to leave the floor. So I was stuck walking around the 8th floor. We would count to see how many old people there were. Sure enough I was the youngest one there. And sure enough they all probably hated me and my company. Kelly and I would laugh loud at night, walk around laughing and talking, you name it, we did it and they probably didn't appreciate all the ruckus we were causing. The nurses. My favorite was when one of them opened the bathroom door when Kelly was peeing. The nurse was talking to me and then before I could say that my sister was in there she opened the door on her. So freaking funny. Good thing Kelly was prepared for it though; she was all covered up so don't worry. The "hat". I won't go too much into detail here. But because of the IV they were giving me, they needed to measure how much I was peeing out...or so they said. I had to pee in this measuring thing they called "the hat". I had to call the nurse every time to empty it because Kelly needed to use that bathroom too...and she sure wasn't going to touch the "hat".
Thank you to everyone who came to the hospital to see me or attempted to see me but was sent away. Thank you to my Mom who was there everyday for me. She came when she woke up in the morning and left when I was going to bed for the night. Thank you to Kelly who left her husband and two kids to come stay with me at the hospital. She leaves tonight, and I don't want her to. Thank you for the calls/texts/emails/prayers/everything. I really do appreciate it and need it in this time in my life. I have yet to feel the total effects of the chemo. Sure a day or 2 after I felt crummy, but not what I expect to feel. I expect to feel nauseous and tired constantly. I heard that about 3 or 4 days after you would feel the worst, but it could be up to 7 days. The worst day for me so far was the day after when I had the allergic reaction. So I am still anticipating the horrible feeling. Sometime after my next cycle of chemo I will lose my hair. I am completely dreading that, and that will be the hardest adjustment.
Whatever happens, happens. I can't change anything. All I can do is try to have a positive attitude to get through this. No crying. Buck up and take it. I "caught" cancer at the ripe old age of 22. My life is on pause. I'll try to go on as normal as I possibly can. I don't know what I will be able to do with school, whether I will be able to continue next semester or not. I'll just have to wait and see how this hand plays out.
Sunday sucked, okay really the whole week sucked. The only note-worthy thing was I was hooked up to an IV so I wouldn't get dehydrated. All of you should know by now that I am terrified of needles, and this whole hospital experience hasn't helped, I am still terrified.
Monday. The lovely nurses came and woke me up at 5 AM to draw blood. Then again at 7:30 for me to drink this nasty contrast stuff for my CT scans later in the day. The contrast stuff was HORRIBLE. It had the consistency of milk, but tasted like orange, and it was warm. At about 11ish I had my first CT scan of the day. It was for my neck, chest, and abdomen. When I got back to my room I threw up the nasty contrast crap. Good thing I didn't do that before because I would have had to drink it again. Then I got to wait around for a long time, still fasting, for my 2nd CT scan. About 2 o'clock I was sent for my CT scan biopsy. The doctors drugged me up pretty good -- I don't remember much. All I remember is being lead into the machine, them prepping my chest, and then I was OUT. I woke up in my room and had to lay flat for 4 hours.
Tuesday. Again, woken up at 5 AM for the blood draw. I was waiting for the results from the biopsy. I thought that was all I was going to have to do. No more tests...I was free. Not. The CT scan showed that I had a blood clot in my neck. The softball sized tumor in my chest was pushing on a vein that lead to my neck which was pinching it. Lovely. That meant I needed to start blood thinners. Which if you didn't know, make you bruise really easily. Right now I look like my 80 something grandmother. My oncologist came in and told me the news. I have non-hodgkin's lymphoma, stage 1, but that doesn't mean very much because of the size of the tumor. Its HUGE. They put me on steroids that day to attempt to shrink the size. More fun news..."you have to have a PICC line". Wonderful. This really nice lady named Mary came in and did my PICC line. We were laughing and having a good ol' time, and before I knew it she was done. Then the oncologist came in AGAIN and said "we need to do a bone marrow biopsy to make sure the cancer isn't in your bone marrow. We are going to do that now." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? NOW!? No warning. They kicked everyone out of my room again and did the most painful test I've ever had. I was bawling like a baby. The worst part was when he got the bone sample. I could feel him cranking and grinding to get the sample. PAINFUL. On top of all this news and procedures, I was told the next day I would start my chemo. After calling all of my siblings, Kelly decided that she needed to come. She got the next flight out and came that night. Oh, and they changed my room that night too. I got an ocean front suite pretty much. It was huge. Equipped with my lovely hospital bed, a fold out couch (which Kelly slept on), a closet, table, and lots of chairs.
Wednesday. All I remember was starting my chemo that night. The chemo is called CHOPR14. Translation: CHOP makes me lose my hair. R= Not too bad, and the easiest part of the whole regime. And 14 means every 14 days...if I can handle it. So they put this stuff in my body at 11pm. They gave me "pre-meds" such as an anxiety IV, anti-nausea, and I don't remember what else. After the anxiety IV, I was OUT.
Thursday. Not a good day. I felt like poop when I woke up and they gave me some more anti-nausea medication. 3 kinds to be exact. The last one really did me under. I had a horrible allergic reaction to it and I pretty much blocked that out of my memory. Seriously. Not good. All I remember is my Mom and Kelly just staring at me and wanting to do something for me, but couldn't. They just had to stand there and watch me suffer. It was terrible. I couldn't sit still, I wanted to get up and move but couldn't because I was so tired and felt like I was going to fall over. I believe I slept majority of that day. I can't even tell you how many drugs they gave me that day. I had 3x the amount of steroids I was suppose to. Then again, at 11pm I started the R part of my chemo.
Friday. I woke up all swollen in my face, due to the steroids the day before. I was uncomfortable all day long. I was suppose to be able to go home that day. But when one of the doctors came to check on me, he said heck no. My face was all fat and red=not pretty. I was a complete brat that day too. I call it my "roid rage". I don't remember anything else.
Saturday. I could finally go home! Of course, I took a hospital bed with me. I shouldn't be sleeping flat because of the blood clot. Also, I got my PICC line out of my arm, which means I will have to get another one soon before the next round of chemo.
Some other things but don't know where they fit in. On top of the blood thinner pills, I had to have shots called Lupon or Lupron...whatever. They stuck me right in the fat of my stomach. And guess who had to learn to give them to me? My Dad. Because I refused to give them to myself. Surprisingly enough, he was better than the nurses who gave them to me. Shocking, I know. The earthquake. WOW. I was on the 8th floor of the hospital. I had 3 of my friends there; Mallory, Cynthia, and Lauren. All of a sudden we felt the ground shake, then next thing we knew we were swaying from side to side. When it was all over with we took a walk around the floor so I could go look out the window to see if a tidal wave was coming, seriously. Those things scare the crap out of me. The laps around the floor. Like I said, I was on the 8th floor, the oncology floor. I wasn't allowed to leave the floor. So I was stuck walking around the 8th floor. We would count to see how many old people there were. Sure enough I was the youngest one there. And sure enough they all probably hated me and my company. Kelly and I would laugh loud at night, walk around laughing and talking, you name it, we did it and they probably didn't appreciate all the ruckus we were causing. The nurses. My favorite was when one of them opened the bathroom door when Kelly was peeing. The nurse was talking to me and then before I could say that my sister was in there she opened the door on her. So freaking funny. Good thing Kelly was prepared for it though; she was all covered up so don't worry. The "hat". I won't go too much into detail here. But because of the IV they were giving me, they needed to measure how much I was peeing out...or so they said. I had to pee in this measuring thing they called "the hat". I had to call the nurse every time to empty it because Kelly needed to use that bathroom too...and she sure wasn't going to touch the "hat".
Thank you to everyone who came to the hospital to see me or attempted to see me but was sent away. Thank you to my Mom who was there everyday for me. She came when she woke up in the morning and left when I was going to bed for the night. Thank you to Kelly who left her husband and two kids to come stay with me at the hospital. She leaves tonight, and I don't want her to. Thank you for the calls/texts/emails/prayers/everything. I really do appreciate it and need it in this time in my life. I have yet to feel the total effects of the chemo. Sure a day or 2 after I felt crummy, but not what I expect to feel. I expect to feel nauseous and tired constantly. I heard that about 3 or 4 days after you would feel the worst, but it could be up to 7 days. The worst day for me so far was the day after when I had the allergic reaction. So I am still anticipating the horrible feeling. Sometime after my next cycle of chemo I will lose my hair. I am completely dreading that, and that will be the hardest adjustment.
Whatever happens, happens. I can't change anything. All I can do is try to have a positive attitude to get through this. No crying. Buck up and take it. I "caught" cancer at the ripe old age of 22. My life is on pause. I'll try to go on as normal as I possibly can. I don't know what I will be able to do with school, whether I will be able to continue next semester or not. I'll just have to wait and see how this hand plays out.
Meppy said this @1:03 PM
9 Comments:
You go Mary. I'm thinking about you every day slash praying for you. Awkward sounding but true. Keep us all updated!
Hi Mary, you probably don't know me but I know you...I am Susan Ellsworths sister Laurel. I love your family & used to come over to CA with Susan to visit. You were little Mary Pitton to me with the big brown eyes & short cute hair cut!! I was very sad when Julianne sent the email about your illness.I hate the word cancer....it SUCKS big time! I can't even imagine what you are going through but know after watching Susan fight it what struggles you will have. Hang in there, it will be tough but with family & friends around you I know that you will be very comforted.Our prayers & thoughts are always with you & your family.
Mary, thank you for this post--I've been here wondering how you are and what your feelings are. You have been in my prayers and thoughts. Your positive attitude is so wonderful to hear through your words--I'll be thinking about you...
Mary my heart goes out to you. You are one tough little lady and I admire your strength. Mary, I love you and you will be in my prayers.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Mary. I don't understand why good people have to undergo such adversities so young in life. Perhaps that means that the rest of your life will be a piece of cake. I hope so. By the way, I'm Susan's Mother and I haven't seen you since you were a small girl. Susan and I stayed overnight with your family and we went to the Orange County swap meet. Norma Arnett
Mary, this is TARA the oldest Ellsworth kid. LOL I am just going to say you are a lucky girl to have so much love surround you. Cling to it in your times of need. Try focusing on other things to stay upbeat. Give your parents my love, I miss them a ton! Tell Jim he is still my favorite! My email address is mamatlee7@yahoo.com, for you or them contact me anytime, I would love to talk about anything at all! TARA
Mary I miss you and love you!
Mary Ellen Pitton! I'm so sorry to hear about your exhausting week and everything that's been happening to you!!! You're in my prayers and I love you. If you ever get bored and need to pass the time, email me or give me a call. I'm at home all the time too, so I'm free! I'll email you my #.
Much love, MEP!
Hi, Mepster:
Thanks for the update. We are trying to keep up with you!
We love you very much, and we are praying for and thinking about you. You're a fighter, and you will beat this thing!
DOLLAR TREE FOREVER!
~ Terrah & Tyler :)
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